joie de vivre

Sorry that I’ve been largely missing. I’m busy with life and work and falling for a very dear man who makes me laugh till I cry, is my partner in crime, maintains the delicate balance of “nice guy/smartass”, and overall makes me disgustingly happy. I’m a bit afraid to jinx it yet, so stand by for a back story at a later date. For now, this quote pretty much sums up how I feel.

“There would have been the making of an accomplished flirt in me, because my lucidity shows me each move of the game - but that, in the same instant, a reaction of contempt makes me sweep all the counters off the board and cry out: - ‘Take them all - I don’t want to win - I want to lose everything to you!’ “
Edith Wharton

There’s something sweetly endearing about someone you have trouble properly kissing goodnight because you laugh so much together that every time you lean in you end up laughing in their mouth.

Whilst watching an episode of “Scrubs” where Elliot describes her lack of recent sex as her turning into a “sex camel”…

Self: I feel like I’m turning into a sex camel. It’s been a while.

Boy: The kind with one hump or two? It would be good to know how long you’ve got left before you dehydrate, sexually.

Self: *unladylike snort*

Boy: Actually, I’m really glad you told me this. It makes me feel even better that we’re taking this slowly. I know you can handle it now since you’re a sex camel. I could even start calling you my little camel as a term of endearment.

Self: As attractive as that may sound, I think I’ll pass.

Text message this morning from Boy:
I hope you have a good day at work, my little sex camel.

Grrr.

Soooo.

It’s been a while. I know, I’m bad about this whole blogging and promising to blog and actually keeping up with it bit. So I’m not going to promise I’ll blog regularly anymore, I’m just going to aim low so no one gets disappointed (and I will probably vastly exceed my goal in the process).

As for things in my world, they’ve finally come together. I adopted another dog, so now there are two, both curled on my bed like a little yin and yang snoring sweet puppy snores while I type this. Puppy snores are undeniably cuter than human snores, even when they’re loud.

Work has been busy, but I’ve overall been flying under the radar, so that’s about all there is to say there.

I’m getting ready to buy a new car (hopefully a mini cooper), I’ve been borrowing my sister’s ride since mine kicked it.

On the man front, I just began dating someone great, cute, funny and not C so I’m really happy. More updates on that later if it goes anywhere, I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Huzzah for forging through emotional bullshit though and standing up for what I deserve. Seemed like with C, I was forgetting who I was and what I deserved all too often.

Moving right along, 2008…

I met up with a girlfriend of mine and C and one of our friends joined. He apologized for friday and said he read my email. He said he has a lot of thinking to do and a lot on his plate but he’s working through it. It’s funny how something as simple as an honest email can make you feel so much better about a situation. All fall I felt all topsy turvy about him and I can finally relax and am completely unbothered.

I feel happy and peaceful and am looking to a fun, low key 2008.

anyone who would like the password to the below post, please just comment here, I’ll email it to you.

I just drunkenly made out with Older Brother in front of C.

C is not happy with me.

C threw me over for his ex.

I don’t really care that he isn’t happy with me, he needs to get over himself.

His brother is a good kisser.

I’m incredibly naughty.

This was a good weekend for me. Fabulous, fun, low key. Went out Friday, my dear friend Lucy got married on Saturday, dinner party Sunday.

keeping it in the family?

Friday, went out with Little Sister and C joined with some of our buddies. I forgot to mention that C’s older, more charismatic, brother is interested in me and I’ve been playfully flirting (whoops). Can you blame a girl for having a little fun? The Older Brother and I are just jokingly flirting most of the time but every once and a while I think it crosses into something real. Only time will tell I suppose. It’s hysterical to watch their exchanges…
C: I had to listen to him talk about you all. day. long. “M is so great, I have so much fun with her.” “Do you think we’ll see her tonight?” etc…
Older Brother: You should see this guy, whenever you text me he gets jealous and asks, “what’s going on between you and M?” “Stay away from her” etc…

I know. I am a very naughty girl. In my defense, I’m always very straightforward with men. I just had the itch to play a little. And C very nearly broke my heart, though that shouldn’t be an excuse. Bad M!

C asked me to please not mess around with his brother, which is understandable, although if I ever felt like his brother and I had a real connection I would probably go for it. Don’t know him well enough but I enjoy hanging out with him. I know it’s a messy thing to date brothers, but as C has made it clear that he has no interest in me and wants to be with his ex, I would like to make it clear that I’m moving on too. Though perhaps not with his brother.

domestic fabulousness

C and I hosted a dinner party at my house on Sunday night. Yes, weird, I know. It all felt oddly relationshippy and coupley. But not at the same time. Dinner was delish and we did a lovely job cooking, but I felt like I was in Bizarro-world and should have been wearing an apron and pearls and he should have been enjoying a cigar while chuckling over a glass of port with the men. Very 50’s housewife/Susie Homemaker, of which I’m not really a fan of, but I thoroughly enjoy cooking and I had some fabulous people over so we had a great time. (I know I’m being a bit ridiculous, but I’m not sure I can stress enough how weird it was to host a dinner party in my home with an unboyfriend who doesn’t want to be with me and wants to be back with his ex. I guess that’s what happens when you stay good friends with men you’ve dated? No? okay I’m done. Moving on…)

because it wouldn’t be me unless…

I sabotaged a cute guy getting my number last night because I didn’t realize he was flirting with me. I went to Trader Joe’s (really fun, unique food store chain, rather like a whole foods or other upscale grocery store) for a couple of groceries and as I went to check out I realized the checkout guy was devastatingly handsome man. Ever the opportunist, I did a silent cheer of joy, though I thought he may be an asshole because he hadn’t spoken at all really except for a polite “hello, how are you” to the people in front of me. When I got up to the counter, he brightened and said he recognized me because I come in regularly. We talked there for about 20 minutes as he rang me up (the natives in line behind me were getting very testy…), he said he just started working there a few weeks ago for extra cash since he works in an office by day. (Lest you think I go grocery shopping EVERY DAY, I would like to set the record straight… I really only go in there once a week, so he could only have seen me once or twice before.)

I told him that I don’t think I’d seen him before, to which he replied, “Oh, I’ve checked you out before.”

…<blinks>…<awkward silence while I have a torrent of thoughts running through my head: does he like me? does he think I’m hot? does he want to be on me?!>

“You know, at the cash register?” Ahhhhh… gotcha. We both laughed, me mentally slapping myself in the forehead for my complete awkwardness sometimes. We were beginning to get some heavy sighs and loud throat clearings from our audience, so we quickly wrapped (or should I say bagged? Sorry, bad pun.) things up and he asked me “Do you like coffee?” I replied, “Yes, I love it! Do you? I’m M by the way.” And he said, “Yes I do! I’m M****.” (using full names isn’t really my thing, but I could foresee the first initial thing being confusing here…)

But before he could say anything else, I chirped, “well it was nice to meet you, I’ll see you around!”

Only when I was walking to my car did it hit me that he was trying to ask me out for coffee and I fucked it up. I’m not sure what was going through my head, because people don’t usually meet you and say things like, “do you like coffee? cause I like coffee” for no reason.

Durr.

I think I’ll be running out of groceries very soon. And I think I’ll track down a tall dark and handsome piece of man meat while I’m there… and not screw it up this time.

Dear Self,

Own this place you are in now, the energy is powerful. Things can never be as they were, only as they are now. You have a renewed solidity in yourself. From now on, never be afraid to fall, live, or love.

Don’t waste yourself on someone who isn’t willing to put in the same amount of effort as you. Stop worrying about the men who don’t want to be with you but don’t want you to be with anyone else. Be done with those who confuse and complicate and play games. Life is sweet and simple, keep it that way.

Play and have fun. Let things flow. Life will fall into place as it should without you even trying. At some point, there will be a man (or several) who will not try to possess you, or make you into something you are not. He will appreciate you for how lovely you are and remind you of it all the time. He will support you and push you to be all that you can be. He will be his own person and love you because you are your own, but you’ve decided to be with him. He will give you space to grow and move because he’ll realize that the beauty of you is that you are transient. He may not understand everything about you, but he will be able to respect you and the things that are important to you.

Do what is right for you. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Speak your truth. Don’t feel that you need to be involved with someone or friends with someone just because they want to be with you.

Have peace with the path you have chosen, because throughout it all you’ve lived and loved and experienced! You’ve followed your heart. There are no “if only”s or “should have”s because you have been only as you could be at that moment and made the only decisions that you could have made while still being yourself.

You have let a select, special few see your soul, and not expected anything in return. You have given and received and remained true to yourself, not letting others drain or shape you.

Surround yourself with your true friends, who love and accept you as you are and make it as simple as “I love you and I want to spend as much time with you as possible”. These are the ones that you can see 40 years down the road still being your soul mates. The friendships that distance, or marriage, or experiences don’t change, they are always with you.

Don’t forget that you are unique, beautiful, compassionate. You glow, and people want to be around you because you figured out the secret to a life of happiness… being happy with yourself.

You never need to make excuses for how you feel or what you want to do. You do what you want, you always have.

Spend time with family and friends, the people you love. You don’t have much time to spend with the people you love, don’t waste time on the people you don’t, the “obligations”.

Savor all these beautiful experiences and always appreciate where you are, right now.

Sincerely,
M